Fighting to Hurt, Fighting for Solutions

Fighting to Hurt, Fighting for Solutions

Fighting is a part of every relationship. We have disagreements with our friends and loved ones through our lives as we navigate relationships. I’ve seen, and participated in, some pretty terrible fights with no real goal except to hurt, to cause pain. I’ve been both the victim and the perpetrator. 

Fighting to Hurt

Unfortunately, this is how most of our fights go. Someone does or says something that upsets us, doesn’t do what we expected them to do, or is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. A fight or argument starts, and the conflict quickly spirals into two people actively pointing fingers, blaming, and saying outright hurtful and destructive things to each other.

The Gottman Institute identifies 4 conflict styles that really hurt relationships (The Gottman Institute, 2021). Referred to as the Four Horsemen, the authors tell us criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are four of the worst ways in which we hurt each other during conflict. Actually, these things have been go-tos in my relationship experience. 

It can be very difficult to control our emotions and not react to situations that upset us. Many of us have difficulty in this area. I do believe however, with some good reflection and focus, we can all learn to enter conflict in a way that ends in resolution rather than pain. 

Fighting for Solutions

Sometimes, we have to fight. There are things we disagree with, situations when we must stand up for ourselves, and problems worth fixing. As long as we are willing to work toward a solution its worth engaging other people. 

Kyle Benson (2016) provides us with some good ways to help start the fight. Changing how we approach someone can prevent them from feeling criticized or getting defensive. We often run into issues just because of how we approach the problem, not because of the problem itself. By taking a few careful steps, we can diffuse the situation before it becomes volatile.

Benson suggests we start by taking responsibility for our portion of the problem. By admitting to another person we own part of the problem, we sound less critical in our approach which prevents the other person from feeling a need to be defensive or counterattack. Complaining without blaming and stating what we do need (not what we don’t need) and starting with “I” instead of “you” help guide the conversation in a constructive way. Simply being polite and appreciative boosts another person’s receptiveness. One very important thing, is to work on problems as they arise. Don’t let things fester.

Works Cited

Benson, K. (2016, October 21). 5 Steps to Fight Better if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-steps-to-fight-better-if-your-relationship-is-worth-fighting-for/

The Gottman Institute. (2021, January 25). 4 Conflict Styles that Hurt Your Relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relationship/