We Own Every Action We Take

Viktor Frankl provided the world with a look into the human psyche we pray no other psychologist will ever replicate. Frankl looked at his experience in Nazi Concentration Camps scientifically, reflecting on the circumstances in which he found himself and expressing his observations to the world so we might all understand human psychology better.

An excerpt I read today really had me thinking about the power of the human mind and the responsibility we have for our own actions:

“And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom; which determined whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity to become molded into the form of the typical inmate.” (Frankl, 2014, 66)

I reflected on this paragraph for a few minutes after reading it. Frankl is correct. I can’t think of any circumstances where we don’t have an amount of control. We always have control of our thoughts. We have control over our actions in almost all situations.

You may challenge that last statement, and I welcome the discussion, but I’ll expand. 

Imagine an extreme circumstance, such as the one Frankl lived through. If someone holds a gun to my head and tells me to give them my wallet or they’ll kill me, I still have control in the situation. I get to make choices. I can call the gunman’s bluff or force him to pull the trigger by refusing to acquiesce to his demands. That choice is mine. He may pull the trigger anyway, even after I comply, I can’t control that, but I had control over my actions. I wasn’t forced to do anything.

We often blame the gunman for his actions, and he’s certainly responsible for them, but I’m just as responsible for mine. If I fight back, there are consequences. I may win, disarm the gunman, and gain complete control of the situation, but doing so is because of choices I made. I could also lose that fight and suffer some dire consequences.

Regardless of my actions, I have control of my thoughts. I will be afraid (there’s a gun pointing at my head), but my thoughts are my own. The gunman can’t know what I’m thinking, he doesn’t know what I’m going to do, and he will never be able to take that control away from me. I own everything I do in every situation.

The same control exists in more common, everyday circumstances. The dinner I choose to eat tonight, the books I read, the movies I watch, the relationships I build are all under my control. I choose how to talk to other people. I choose how to treat other people. I choose to engage in my bad habits. I choose to reflect on myself and become a better person or not to.

I am in control of my actions. I own every action I take. I own every thought I have. These things are mine and they always will be. Nobody will ever take that from me. 

Works Cited

Frankl, V. (2014). Man's Search for Meaning. Beacon's Press. 02/11/2021

Reaching Out - A Follow-up

Several weeks ago I wrote about reaching out to the veterans we know, the long lost friends we have; the idea of reaching into the darkness. In that post, I challenged everything to go through their contacts, find an old friend, and call one person. This is my follow-up.

Since then, I've reached out to several friends. I started with one close friend I know has been going through some tough times. He lives a couple hours from me, close enough I can go see him if things get really bad, but too far to plan on getting together just for a beer. Visiting him generally means an overnight stay on a weekend. 

This friend, "C," is going through a divorce and is struggling to survive because his estranged spouse continues moving money out of their joint account. C is going through some serious life struggles. His struggles aren't unheard of though; we probably all know men just like C. We have all heard similar stories and known men going through similar circumstances.

G, a former roommate of mine, is doing well for himself as far as I can tell. G is married, has a beautiful daughter, and is doing everything he can to be a good father and husband and to provide for his family. We talked about old times, laughed at old jokes, and talked about some of my current struggles as his life is a little more stable at the moment. 

One of the greatest benefits I discovered by reaching out to old friends, is they can help you reconnect with mutual friends. G actually gave me another phone number. G gave me R's number.

R is another veteran friend of mine. We were in the same unit when we were young and dumb. R was a good enough friend and brother that he let my wife, our oldest daughter, and I stay at his place for a month when we had to move from Washington to Georgia. He opened his house to us while we looked for a home of our own. That's the kind of friend he is. Imagine the disappointment I feel with myself for not talking to him for years.

R's life has changed a lot in the last 15 years. Sadly, and I knew this already, R lost both his legs in Afghanistan. He gave a lot fighting for the men to his left and right, but his spirit is still strong. Currently working for a State agency, his life is stable and he has plans for a future. He also had A's number.

A has been well also. He's been through more than most at work and is 7 years into a legal issue. His issue is big enough that it's likely to go to the US Supreme Court and impact cases similar to his in the future. I won't go into details, but I don't believe A was in the wrong. I do believe A was wronged. A is also another opportunity. He has phone numbers I don't have anymore and can get me connected with more people I called friends.

These past few weeks of outreach have done a lot for my peace of mind and given me more outlets for life's frustrations. I've been able to catch up, ask good men how they're doing, how they're dealing with their struggles. I've let them know I am available to them. They have a place to stay if things get too hard for them. They have a friend to call if they need an ear. They have a friend that will be there. 

Not only can I be that for them, but they are that for me. Our friendship, our brotherhood, transcends time. We sweat and bled together. I've always believed nothing builds friendships like sweat, blood, and tears. I believe that more now. 

Calling old friends, brothers, men made in the furnace of life reassures me my outreach is right. A text can't affect us the way a voice does. A tremble in the sound of someone's words has an impact on you that will never be felt in a text or an email. Hearing a man tell you he has your back, that he loves you, means more than we admit.

If you've been reaching out to your veteran friends, keep it up. If not, I urge you to. I've learned reaching out isn't just good for my brothers, it's good for me too. You may be fine right now, but talking with your brothers helps you as much or more than it helps them. They may teach you something too.

Keep it up.

https://whateverhappenedtohonor.blogspot.com/2021/01/reaching-into-darkness.html

Goals or Systems

A friend recently sent me an article which opened by telling me, basically, goals are useless. I think we both had the same initial reaction to the author. James Clear attempts to tell us we are wrong about the goal setting approach to accomplishment. 

Coincidentally, I received this article while I was working on building a presentation about goal setting. I read an article from Forbes on goal setting and was to deliver a short brief to my office about the importance of setting goals and how to achieve them. There are countless articles on the internet about goal setting.

I've always believed in the power of SMART goals. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-based. Using the acronym to set goals gives us a better chance of achieving them and realizing that euphoric sense of accomplishment. Goals have always been a powerful tool for me and for many others. I tell people to take their goals to the next level by setting SMART, micro-goals. 

Whatever our goals are, personal or professional, I find it helpful to break down the steps of that goal and treat each of them as a goal on the path to the ultimate goal. If I want to squat 400 lbs, I first have to squat 100 lbs. That's my first micro-goal, squatting 100 lbs. Micro-goals allow me to work toward my ultimate goal without feeling as overwhelmed or disheartened by the time it takes me to get there.

Micro-goals also allow me to reevaluate my goals as I go. If squatting 100lbs took longer to achieve than I planned, then this is a good opportunity to relook at my ultimate goal and readdress how I plan to achieve it. I can adjust the timeline or the system I'm using to chase my goal.

This is where James Clear's article is actually very useful. He points out 4 problems with goals and makes a good case against them. I don't think he's completely against goal setting, but he says to reevaluate what's actually important, the goal or the system.

The problems he points out are:

1. Winners and Losers have the same goals 

2. Achieving a goal is only a momentary change

3. Goals restrict happiness 

4. Goals are at odds with long-term progress

His article is worth reading and reflecting on. It definitely made me consider buying his book (the article is an excerpt from his book). 

I mostly agree with what James Clear is telling us. The systems we use to accomplish things are more important than the goals we aim for. Graduating from college with a 4.0 GPA is based on the system we use to study and get good grades, not on signing up for classes for four years. Squatting 500 lbs will never happen for anyone if form is terrible and workouts are sparse or ineffective.

Maybe squatting 500 lbs isn't even the right goal. Maybe we're focusing on the wrong problem. Maybe the right goal is getting my legs as strong as they can be and the only way to do that is by ensuring my workouts, diet, and rest are adequate to achieve that.

Relooking the systems we use to achieve the goals we want in life is certainly worth thinking about. 

The article: https://jamesclear.com/goals-systems