Self-Talk is Bullshit - Stop Hiding, Start Acting - A Rant

I have to say it. I’m really sick of all the positive self-talk memes that constantly flood our Social Media. I’ve seen countless memes telling people how important they are, how much better they are than other people, how they are exactly who they are supposed to be. It’s bullshit, and I think it is honestly getting in the way of people’s ability to grow.

I constantly see posts about not allowing other people to be negative influences on our psyche, and I do agree with that at its core, but what if I told you feedback from anyone is still feedback. The most evil people in the world will attack your greatest vulnerabilities because that is where you are weak. Telling myself “that person is just evil and I deserve better,” doesn’t actually help me work on my weakness. 

I do believe there is power in both negative and positive self-talk. I believe good self-talk can keep us thinking in the right ways. We can remind ourselves we are strong enough to deal with the situation we’re in. We can convince ourselves to keep driving forward toward our goals. On the contrary, negative self-talk tells us we aren’t good enough, we never will be, and we should probably just quit. Clearly we need to avoid negative thoughts.

I challenge however, that positive self-talk without action isn’t as powerful as we need it to be. We can’t just tell ourselves we’re awesome like everyone wants us to believe. We aren’t special. We aren’t entitled to perfection. Being extraordinary requires disciplined self reflection, initiative, and action toward the goals we want and sometimes need to achieve.

Unpopular opinion: Sometimes you’re the one that’s wrong. Sometimes you’re the person that needs to listen to other people when they say you need to work on some things. Sometimes that feedback, those criticisms, can drive self-reflection and growth. If we allow our self-talk to get in the way of reflection, we will never grow. If we can’t look internally to see our own faults, we can’t manifest ourselves into greater beings. 

Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we need to admit that, not to others, but to ourselves. The power of self reflection is that it enables us to take feedback and criticisms, even the ones that are grotesquely harsh and mean, and learn from them.

Do not shy away from the people that attack you. Pay attention to them. They will teach you where you are weakest. They will show you the areas you most need to work on. Then, use that information for your own personal gain. After you have strengthened those areas, then you will be ready to move on. After growth, you can rise to bigger challenges. Do not turn a blind eye to vulnerabilities, embrace them and turn them into strengths.

Grind: A Strong Body Means a Strong Mind

Grind: A Strong Body Means a Strong Mind

We need to grind. Exercise is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

Many men suffer from mental illness. An estimated 26% of Americans actually suffer mental illness in some capacity. Depression attacks 9.5% of adult Americans each year and around 18% of us suffer from an anxiety disorder (John Hopkins Medicine, 2021). Men are four times more likely than women to attempt suicide, though women are more likely to attempt.

These numbers are staggering. I believe there is one thing we can all do however, to ensure we are doing what we can for our own mental health: Exercise.

We all know the obvious physical benefits of exercise. Weight management, reducing disease, strengthening bones and muscles, and improving the ability to do everyday activities are all physical benefits of exercise (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021). We all benefit from exercise regardless of our age, ability, shape, or size. What is less known, and still largely being studied, are the benefits exercise has on our mental health.

Physical exercise has some immediate benefits to our mental health however. Our brain health is positively impacted almost immediately following a moderate exercise session. Short term benefits include improved thinking and cognition as well as reduced short-term feelings of anxiety. Regular physical activity has long term impacts on our mental well being and can help us keep our thinking, learning, and judgment skills sharp as weage. It can also reduce our risk of depression and anxiety and help us sleep better (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021).

I found in several articles the benefits of exercise on brain health. Though many of these findings are still being studied, the research supporting that exercise benefits brain and mental health is robust. Research suggests that exercise even reduces cognitive issues in schizophrenia (Gingell, 2018). We can also reduce the effects of ADHD and PTSD through exercise (Robinson et al., 2020).

I think men, in an effort to maintain their own masculine energy can especially reap the benefits from exercise. I work with men regularly who are going through difficult times in their lives. Many of the veterans I talk to are feeling stress from day-to-day life and are slowly losing confidence in themselves. The best advice I can give any man, veteran or not, who is feeling the impacts of aging, a slowing metabolism, the stress of work and family life, is to exercise. 

Exercise will decrease your stress and build a buffer against it, distract you from negative thoughts and emotions, help you find your confidence, and rebuild your social network with other supportive men (Star, 2019). Exercise can also give us a boost in testosterone levels which every man needs as we continue to age (Metcalf, 2015). Your lady may also benefit from you benefitting here. 

I can go on and on about the benefits of exercise. As men, bottom line, I believe we need exercise. We crave the outdoors, the hunt, the road. We exist to do manly things. Part of being a man is to be strong. Your lady wants you fit, you want to be fit. Mostly, your mental health requires that you train your body. Physically challenging ourselves mentally challenges us. Getting up in the morning for the single purpose of training, fighting against the snooze button, struggling to get out the door, succeeding at these things (the hardest parts of exercise) builds in us the mental toughness we need to be strong men.

Go grind!

Works Cited

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). Benefits of Physical Activity. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/basics/pa-health/index.htm

Gingell, S. (2018, March 22). How Your Mental Health Reaps the Benefits of Exercise: New research shows why physical exercise is essential to mental health. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-works-and-why/201803/how-your-mental-health-reaps-the-benefits-exercise

John Hopkins Medicine. (2021). Mental Health Disorder Statistics. John Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/mental-health-disorder-statistics

Metcalf, E. (2015, May 06). Does Working Out Affect Testosterone Levels? WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/men/features/exercise-and-testosterone#:~:text=When%20you%20exercise%3A%20Your%20testosterone%20levels%20vary%20throughout,a%20bigger%20effect%20on%20testosterone%20in%20the%20evening.

Robinson, L., Segal, J., & Smith, M. (2020, October). The Mental Health Benefits of Exercise. Help Guide. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/the-mental-health-benefits-of-exercise.htm

Star, K. (2019, August 10). How Physical Exercise Benefits Mental Health. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/physical-exercise-for-panic-disorder-and-anxiety-2584094#:~:text=There%20are%20several%20reasons%20why%20physical%20activity%20can,6%20Exercise%20provides%20a%20buffer%20against%20stress.%20

Failure to Apply

I've met and worked with thousands of people throughout my career. I've had many conversations about goals and future plans within the organization as well as life after. 

I've found many people have big plans for the future, but often settle for less than what they really want. Goals tend to be one step below achieving greatness. While I agree not everyone can be great, few reach the top 5% of society, many people underestimate their own abilities. 

I’ve learned people are their own biggest reason for not achieving their goals. As we look at the world around us, we tend to compare ourselves to all the greats. The people who have achieved the loftiest of goals and successfully pursued their dreams. We read about and see countless examples of people living lives we aspire to. The problem with this comparison, is we aren’t those people.

We don’t often see the hard work it takes to get to the highest places. We underestimate the amount of luck and undervalue the risks taken by people we think have it all. The truth is, we aren’t likely to achieve all the same things others have. Those people we watch from a distance aren’t the rule, they’re the exception. The biggest difference between most of us and them however, is they took risks. They put themselves out there while we sit safely behind our walls.

Many people will not graduate from college for one reason only; they won’t submit an application. I believe most people tend to take themselves out of the competition before they even enter it. We have a tendency to self-disqualification, a defeatist attitude that holds us back. We didn’t apply to Yale, Princeton, MIT, because we “knew we wouldn’t get in.” We remove the possibility of reward to spare ourselves the risk of failure.

While there are certainly things we don’t qualify for, the reality is only the bravest (or most narccississtic) among us will find out the truth. We will never get accepted if we don't put in the work and apply. Sometimes, applying is all it takes because everyone else is thinking the same way and didn't. Simply putting in the application, asking for that job, stepping into the ring is the most important step. The first step starts us down the path to accomplishing our goals.

Goals or Systems

A friend recently sent me an article which opened by telling me, basically, goals are useless. I think we both had the same initial reaction to the author. James Clear attempts to tell us we are wrong about the goal setting approach to accomplishment. 

Coincidentally, I received this article while I was working on building a presentation about goal setting. I read an article from Forbes on goal setting and was to deliver a short brief to my office about the importance of setting goals and how to achieve them. There are countless articles on the internet about goal setting.

I've always believed in the power of SMART goals. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-based. Using the acronym to set goals gives us a better chance of achieving them and realizing that euphoric sense of accomplishment. Goals have always been a powerful tool for me and for many others. I tell people to take their goals to the next level by setting SMART, micro-goals. 

Whatever our goals are, personal or professional, I find it helpful to break down the steps of that goal and treat each of them as a goal on the path to the ultimate goal. If I want to squat 400 lbs, I first have to squat 100 lbs. That's my first micro-goal, squatting 100 lbs. Micro-goals allow me to work toward my ultimate goal without feeling as overwhelmed or disheartened by the time it takes me to get there.

Micro-goals also allow me to reevaluate my goals as I go. If squatting 100lbs took longer to achieve than I planned, then this is a good opportunity to relook at my ultimate goal and readdress how I plan to achieve it. I can adjust the timeline or the system I'm using to chase my goal.

This is where James Clear's article is actually very useful. He points out 4 problems with goals and makes a good case against them. I don't think he's completely against goal setting, but he says to reevaluate what's actually important, the goal or the system.

The problems he points out are:

1. Winners and Losers have the same goals 

2. Achieving a goal is only a momentary change

3. Goals restrict happiness 

4. Goals are at odds with long-term progress

His article is worth reading and reflecting on. It definitely made me consider buying his book (the article is an excerpt from his book). 

I mostly agree with what James Clear is telling us. The systems we use to accomplish things are more important than the goals we aim for. Graduating from college with a 4.0 GPA is based on the system we use to study and get good grades, not on signing up for classes for four years. Squatting 500 lbs will never happen for anyone if form is terrible and workouts are sparse or ineffective.

Maybe squatting 500 lbs isn't even the right goal. Maybe we're focusing on the wrong problem. Maybe the right goal is getting my legs as strong as they can be and the only way to do that is by ensuring my workouts, diet, and rest are adequate to achieve that.

Relooking the systems we use to achieve the goals we want in life is certainly worth thinking about. 

The article: https://jamesclear.com/goals-systems

The Value of Brotherhood

For my adult life, I have moved around every couple of years, starting over in each place. With new environments, came a new job, new colleagues, new friends, and new routines. I have enjoyed and welcomed the challenges associated starting over every couple of years. Constantly moving has consequences however, I didn’t realize until more recently.

For me, the greatest consequence of this life style is a weak sense of belonging and a lack of strong relationships. While I work every day with some of the greatest people in the country, my relationships have been mostly superficial and had an end-date marked by another move. As my life has been upended lately, overturned even, I’ve felt limited on the number of people I can talk to about what is going on in my life. I haven’t had good sounding boards for my frustrations in life with work or family. I have found myself largely trying to “figure it out” on my own.

The more I’ve become involved in a particular Veterans’ Group, the more I’ve seen and felt the value in brotherhood and deep relationships outside my immediate family. In this group, we call each other “brother,” and we say “I love you,” a lot. This a group of grown men, not unlike any other group of men, but focused on each other. We are focused on the brotherhood and on other veterans that may need help. Below I discuss the three biggest parts of that brotherhood and how it adds value to my life.

Brotherhood gives a sense of Family. We call each other “brother,” and that word has meaning. We aren’t friends, we aren’t buddies, we are brothers. We look out for each other as though we are related. We may never have met if not for the club, but we are now family. We do things for each other we wouldn’t do for anyone else. We are willing, God forbid the necessity, to take up arms for each other if the call comes and fight whatever enemies the world throws our way. Many of those enemies aren’t physical, but demons deep in our psyche. We fight the demons together. We are a tribe, a brotherhood, brothers.

Brotherhood provides release; an outlet for life’s problems. It is a safe place where I can vent my frustrations, do some shit-talking, and unwind with a drink (or two) in a safe place with good company. My brothers are there for me regardless. If I call, anytime of day, they will answer the phone and listen to me. I give them the same respect and dedication. Often times when we get together, we just do “manly-stuff.” We start bonfires, drink plenty of beer, talk shit, wrestle, throw knives or hatchets at trees, all the stuff we used to want to do when we were boys growing up. We do these things without judgement and without care because we aren’t going to let anyone do anything stupid and there isn’t anyone else around to cause problems. It is a controlled environment, a group of men that others won’t approach without caution, and it gives us a safe place to be ourselves.

Brotherhood is about growth. My brothers give me honest feedback on my thoughts and ideas and where I’m taking my life. They give me tough love without expectation except to get my shit straight and not do wrong by the group. I’ve found honest feedback from people that care about me is one of the most important things I can have in life. Often times, the people we call friends will tell us what we want to hear or are so empathetic to our cause they miss the obvious holes in our plans or won’t bring them up because they want to “be supportive.” Being a part of a brotherhood is different however. We look for the holes in each other's plans and offer constructive criticisms. We bluntly tell each other when we think we are making mistakes or heading down a path that will lead to issues. We support each other, but we challenge each brother to make better decisions and strive for things that matter, not things that are expedient or pleasurable.

This tribe, this brotherhood is probably rare among most men. I think brotherhood is something many men are missing in their lives. It could be the difference between a downward spiral in life and productivity, the difference between life and death.

Give 100% in Everything You Do

This is my second principle. It is one we’ve all heard about one-million times. It is even cliché in many ways. We have so many things we do every day, how do we expect that we will be able to give 100% effort to all of it (the discussion on multi-tasking is one I’ll save for another day, or let you do your own research). There is more to the idea of giving 100% however, than the, often, short-sighted thought or view-point we give to it.

Most of us apply this principle automatically to the things we are passionate about; the things we care about personally and the things which will give us measurable gains in some area of our lives. If we know or expect we realize some gains from our endeavors, we give extreme effort toward the conduct of our business.

Here is the principle in application. What we have to do is ensure we are applying a deliberate decision-making process to every task we are given. Here is the process I use. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. “Is this worth 100% of my effort?” If the answers lead to “yes, this is worth doing,” then give it 100% of your effort. If “no,” then ask the following question.

2. “Is there a good reason to do it?” If the answer “yes, there is a good reason,” then give it 100% of your effort. If “no,” move on to next, tougher question.

3. “Why am I doing this, is it even worth doing?” Often, if we reach this point in the decision process, we have to actually start asking outside sources. We often have to go to the person asking us to accomplish the task and ask them the questions. Sometimes we have to challenge our superiors on the tasks they’ve given us. If the reasoning can be explained and you are convinced it is worth your time, then give it 100%.

           We always have to ask ourselves if things are worth doing. If we can’t think of a reason, then we have to ask our superiors the tough questions and seek clarification. We need the clarification in order to give the appropriate amount of effort to the appropriate tasks.

           The bottom line I’m trying to get after with this principle is we can’t do everything, but anything we do should be to the absolute best of our abilities. Giving the appropriate amount of effort (100%), ensures we are getting our work done to standard and builds trust in ourselves and between us and our subordinates, peers, superiors, friends, and family.

New Year's Resolutions; Attempts Made by the Undisciplined

I'm not a fan of New Year's Resolutions. Personally, I find them to be cheap, insincere, excuses.

If you want to change something about yourself, just do it. Stop waiting. Don't use the calendar as an excuse to put off something that you want to do. We are given 365 days a year to make decisions about who we are and who we want to be. If you're willing to completely ignore 364 of those days (364 opportunities to change), then do you honestly believe that you are going to change yourself on day one, simply because the year changes? I don't think so.

Donald Sensing talks about this particular issue as well in a post last month. I personally agree with him and think that his points are valid. I want to bring up some other thoughts as well though.

If you have goals, go after them. Don't wait. By establishing New Year's Resolutions, you are essentially making as many as 364 daily decisions NOT to make yourself better. Why then, after creating a habit of NOT making yourself better, do you expect that you are suddenly going to stick with a new habit and be a better you? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Now, for some help in bettering yourself.

1. Set goals. Think BIG picture. What is the desired end-state for you? Where do you want to be? Now, with that in mind, when do you want to have this goal accomplished? Once you've answered those questions, you are ready to begin.

2. Set "micro-goals." Now that you've established the long-term goal, think through all the steps that it is going to take to get there and put dates to each of those micro goals, working backwards, each building on the previous, to accomplish your over-all desired goal.

3. Start today, not in 2016!

Here is an example.

Goal: I want to have my Master's degree in X. I want to graduate with the class of 2018. It will cost me $$$$$
Micro-goals:
1. I must enroll in grad classes in the fall of 2016. I must have saved $$$$.
2. I must submit my applications in the spring of 2016. I must have saved $$$.
3. I must take GRE/GMAT/other required measurement in the fall of 2015. I must have saved $$.
4. I must start studying for the GRE/GMAT/other required measurement in the summer of 2015. I must have saved $.
5. I must start saving for tuition today!

This is a pretty simple, rudimentary example. If you have larger goals (I want to be a Doctor, a Lawyer, an Astronaut), it will require more thought, probably more time, and plenty of dedication.

My point is this, if you don't like something about yourself, don't wait to change...change now.