Processing Emotions: Know What You Feel and Feel It

Emotions are something we don't often understand. They are triggered by events, memories, and sometimes for no reason, seemingly.

We often struggle with emotion. We bury our feelings so we can get through work, avoid a fight, survive to the next day. I think we actually get so good at avoiding our emotions that we often can't even describe them when we do admit to their existence. We, "feel some type of way," about circumstances but can't accurately describe how we feel. 

I've been this way in the past and I think that was a mistake for two reasons.

The first mistake of burying emotions, refusing to process them, is that we forget how to define the emotions we're feeling. We lose site of the subtle differences in disliking, loathing, or hating. We don't know the difference between being frustrated and being angry. We act, without understanding what we're actually reacting too.

I argue that without understanding the emotions we feel, and acting on them despite our lack of understanding, we often find ourselves reacting based on the wrong emotion.

The other potential problem with ignoring our emotions, shutting them down, is they don't go away. Refusing to understand and process emotions is like putting all our problems into a closet. Eventually, the closet gets full and our problems burst through, potentially burying us in the process.

I can't say definitively, and I may be wrong, but I think it's often men who suffer in this way. We tell each other all the time to "man up" or "drive on." We lose friends in war and go back out the next day. 

In the epic movie Top Gun, when Goose dies, the instructors keep sending Maverick up so he has something to focus on other than his emotions. Later in the movie, Maverick almost loses control and that loss of control almost cost others their lives. Maverick never processed his emotions when he lost his best friend and because of that he was unable to handle the stress when those emotions came boiling up during a stressful situation.

When you feel emotions, feel them. Define them, so you know what they are. Process them so they can't control you, so they can't bury you.

Give 100% in Everything You Do

This is my second principle. It is one we’ve all heard about one-million times. It is even cliché in many ways. We have so many things we do every day, how do we expect that we will be able to give 100% effort to all of it (the discussion on multi-tasking is one I’ll save for another day, or let you do your own research). There is more to the idea of giving 100% however, than the, often, short-sighted thought or view-point we give to it.

Most of us apply this principle automatically to the things we are passionate about; the things we care about personally and the things which will give us measurable gains in some area of our lives. If we know or expect we realize some gains from our endeavors, we give extreme effort toward the conduct of our business.

Here is the principle in application. What we have to do is ensure we are applying a deliberate decision-making process to every task we are given. Here is the process I use. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. “Is this worth 100% of my effort?” If the answers lead to “yes, this is worth doing,” then give it 100% of your effort. If “no,” then ask the following question.

2. “Is there a good reason to do it?” If the answer “yes, there is a good reason,” then give it 100% of your effort. If “no,” move on to next, tougher question.

3. “Why am I doing this, is it even worth doing?” Often, if we reach this point in the decision process, we have to actually start asking outside sources. We often have to go to the person asking us to accomplish the task and ask them the questions. Sometimes we have to challenge our superiors on the tasks they’ve given us. If the reasoning can be explained and you are convinced it is worth your time, then give it 100%.

           We always have to ask ourselves if things are worth doing. If we can’t think of a reason, then we have to ask our superiors the tough questions and seek clarification. We need the clarification in order to give the appropriate amount of effort to the appropriate tasks.

           The bottom line I’m trying to get after with this principle is we can’t do everything, but anything we do should be to the absolute best of our abilities. Giving the appropriate amount of effort (100%), ensures we are getting our work done to standard and builds trust in ourselves and between us and our subordinates, peers, superiors, friends, and family.

Stop utilizing utilize! Try using utilize or even use.

I have really started to hate the word utilize. Well, that statement may be aimed at the wrong target. I don't actually have any issues with the word, in fact I think it's a great word, I hate the way people are over using it.

I've been sitting here trying to figure out why people utilize utilize so often and improperly. My grammar is far from perfect, but I think we can all try to speak and write more clearly and concisely. So far, I've really only come up with three reasons people utilize utilize improperly.

1. They want to sound smarter than you. I think this is probably the most common reason for the incorrect utilization of utilize. The syllable words are bigger than single syllable words (utilize vs. use), and therefore make you sound smarter (or like an idiot).

2. They want to speak better than you. I think some people actually have who problems that lead them to believe they are legitimately better than the rest of us (narcissism). I'll admit I do suffer from this issue sometimes, but please refrain from deliberately advertising your narcissism to the world.

3. They are too lazy to use a dictionary. This is probably pretty common as well. I don't know how often the average person picks up a dictionary before they use a new word, but its a practice that should be performed more often.

Believe it or not,  there are definitional differences between use and utilize. I'll let you look up the definitions, but I will share the way I understand it:

Use is used when something is used as it is intended.

Utilize is used when something is utilized in a way that it was never intended to be used.

Example: You use a hammer to drive a nail. You can not utilize a hammer to drive a nail.

You can utilize a rock to drive a nail.

There is some leeway when using use. There is no leeway when using utilize.

Master Few Things, or Familiar with Everything?

So, at many schools of BJJ, like mine, there are different classes that focus on different things.  At our school, we have a fundamentals class and an intermediate class that run four and five days a week respectively.  We also have an advanced/competitor class that runs once a week.  I've seen a trend at my school however and I'm curious about every one's thought process behind which classes they attend.  It may have something to do with the times and scheduling conflicts, which are often unavoidable, but I wonder if there is more to it than that.

I often attend the fundamentals class throughout the week, and will attend the intermediate class on Fridays.  Occasionally, I will stay after the fundamentals class during the week to get an extra Intermediate day in.  For the most part however, I am a fundamentals kind of guy.  Now, it's important to understand that unlike many gyms, our gym has a curriculum that it sticks to pretty religiously.  The Fundamentals class consists of about 25 lessons, each containing 3-5 techniques, while the Intermediate class is about 30 lessons with about the same number of techniques.  One major advantage to the intermediate class, is that they do roll a lot more than the fundamentals class, but the fundamentals class isn't really designed for that.

So the question comes, at what point do I start transitioning to focus more on the intermediate class.  Of course, many of buddies try to get me to stay more often for the intermediate class, and many of them don't attend the fundamentals class anymore.  I'm just not sure why.  Both today and yesterday, we went over some things in class that I'm very familiar with, and could talk you through pretty easily (I've been through the entire curriculum several times), but I found myself wondering why, after seeing them so many times before have I not mastered these techniques, and why have I not included them in my game?  I think the answer is really pretty simple, despite seeing them every few weeks, I still don't have enough reps on them to make their execution automatic and almost subconscious.

I think this is why I will still be attending the fundamentals class for a while.  I personally, would rather master the fundamentals curriculum before adding too many techniques to a library that can't yet handle them all (my brain) and end up confusing some of the finer details.  At the same time however, I do think it's important to see more things.  I think that exposure in a sport like this is very important.  Until you are faced with something new, you will never recognize the need to learn about it.  So should I instead be flooding my brain with a million different techniques?  Do I need to turn my focus 100% to the Berimbolo just because its all the rage right now on the BJJ scene?  Or is it more important that I base my Jiu Jitsu in fundamentals.  In techniques that are tried and true?

I think the answer to the dilemma, is the later.  I think that more people in the sport should recognize that you have to have a strong foundation in order to progress.  Otherwise, all of your Jiu Jitsu will be weak.  I know a lot of schools still teach sporadic techniques without any form of curriculum, students come to class, get taught whatever techniques their instructor wants to teach them that day, and they roll.  I think the problem with not having structure like this though, is that you may NEVER practice those techniques again.  Unless it is something that you really liked, that you had a knack for right off the bat, you are almost immediately going to forget it.  Certainly by the following week, and your instructor is certainly not going to remember every technique that he taught you. 

So, as a family man, my ability to train is often limited by family obligations.  I would like to train a lot more, but I think that for now I'm alright just training the fundamentals, because like I said, I haven't mastered them yet.  Maybe I never will master them, but the more reps I get on them, the closer I will get to mastering them.  And they are all good techniques both for self-defense and competition. 

Happy rolling, remember, your support is motivating!