Fighting to Hurt, Fighting for Solutions

Fighting to Hurt, Fighting for Solutions

Fighting is a part of every relationship. We have disagreements with our friends and loved ones through our lives as we navigate relationships. I’ve seen, and participated in, some pretty terrible fights with no real goal except to hurt, to cause pain. I’ve been both the victim and the perpetrator. 

Fighting to Hurt

Unfortunately, this is how most of our fights go. Someone does or says something that upsets us, doesn’t do what we expected them to do, or is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. A fight or argument starts, and the conflict quickly spirals into two people actively pointing fingers, blaming, and saying outright hurtful and destructive things to each other.

The Gottman Institute identifies 4 conflict styles that really hurt relationships (The Gottman Institute, 2021). Referred to as the Four Horsemen, the authors tell us criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are four of the worst ways in which we hurt each other during conflict. Actually, these things have been go-tos in my relationship experience. 

It can be very difficult to control our emotions and not react to situations that upset us. Many of us have difficulty in this area. I do believe however, with some good reflection and focus, we can all learn to enter conflict in a way that ends in resolution rather than pain. 

Fighting for Solutions

Sometimes, we have to fight. There are things we disagree with, situations when we must stand up for ourselves, and problems worth fixing. As long as we are willing to work toward a solution its worth engaging other people. 

Kyle Benson (2016) provides us with some good ways to help start the fight. Changing how we approach someone can prevent them from feeling criticized or getting defensive. We often run into issues just because of how we approach the problem, not because of the problem itself. By taking a few careful steps, we can diffuse the situation before it becomes volatile.

Benson suggests we start by taking responsibility for our portion of the problem. By admitting to another person we own part of the problem, we sound less critical in our approach which prevents the other person from feeling a need to be defensive or counterattack. Complaining without blaming and stating what we do need (not what we don’t need) and starting with “I” instead of “you” help guide the conversation in a constructive way. Simply being polite and appreciative boosts another person’s receptiveness. One very important thing, is to work on problems as they arise. Don’t let things fester.

Works Cited

Benson, K. (2016, October 21). 5 Steps to Fight Better if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-steps-to-fight-better-if-your-relationship-is-worth-fighting-for/

The Gottman Institute. (2021, January 25). 4 Conflict Styles that Hurt Your Relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relationship/

Responding to Crisis. Are You Prepared for Extreme Circumstance?

I was asked about responding to crises a couple weeks ago. The question posed was: “How do you respond in a crisis?” I see the term from two different angles.

I was forced to do some thinking on this one. Personally, I think I’m amazing in a crisis, but I have to admit my experience in REAL crises is somewhat limited. We all deal with the day-to-day crises at work. A poor plan fails, execution is inadequate, or unexpected requirements emerge from nowhere.

Generally speaking I tend to let training and knowledge take over in times of crisis. Relying on what I “know” helps me get through situations in a controlled way and positively impact the outcome of the event. I think I’m pretty good at applying what I know to a variety of situations which helps me gain control and move forward. I’m good at making quick assessments, identifying “a way” of dealing with situations, and executing without overthinking.

The negative side of that, is that maybe I don’t take enough time to fully understand a situation before responding. I also tend to take over efforts and jump into leading the response in team efforts which isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes, it isn’t my crisis and I don’t have any business getting into it, or others may feel as though I stole their opportunity to excel. 

The other type of crisis we may be forced to deal with are more extreme situations. A flat tire or dead battery can sometimes feel like a crisis and certainly put strain on our daily lives, but those situations will never compare to what the people of New York endured on September 11th, 2001. Few of us, we all hope, will experience an active shooter situation.

These types of extreme crises are very different and immediately trigger the “fight or flight” response. An autonomic physiological response to a stimulus we assess as dangerous. I’ve experienced this response while deployed overseas and a few other times. Many of us have felt the associated responses when experiencing a car accident or another extremely frightening circumstance. 

I don’t believe most people understand how they respond in extreme crises because we rarely focus on the effects of the stimuli. Through training however, we can actually get accustomed to and learn to use the autonomic response to enhance our responses. Understanding the impact as adrenaline flows through our bodies provides us a very real opportunity to think through different situations and how to best respond in crisis. 

I challenge you to find a way to train in a way that elicits that adrenal response. Combat training in Martial Arts, a 5k race, any form of competition will commonly evoke the response to some degree. Nothing will ever replicate a life-or-death situation, but closely replicating those conditions and paying attention to how our bodies and minds respond will help us better prepare to respond in a crisis.

Destroying My Demons: Fighting Everyday to Escape My Past

I’ve recently been reminded there are people in my life who will never let me forget my past transgressions. There are people who continue to feed my demons and refuse to let me move past them. Despite my personal growth, my efforts to correct mistakes, my self-loathing, living in new ways, some people will never let go, forgive, and move on.

Our demons can be scary, powerful beings we want to destroy. We want to move past our mistakes, our pain, and our suffering. We want to move on. We spend days reading books, listening to mentors, reflecting after sessions with counselors. We struggle to create new habits, to surround ourselves with better people, and create support networks which hold us accountable and push us to achieve worthwhile goals.

Still, from the darkness, people will resurrect our demons. Past friends or loved ones will dig at us and attempt to awake the past so we relive it. The people we loved in the past know and will exploit our weaknesses. They know how to anger us quickly, how to hurt us, and ways to fill us with regret and make us relive the most painful moments in our lives. 

I find myself wondering why the ones we relied on, needed, and trusted with our darkest secrets are the ones who will seek to destroy us. What emotions drive someone to be malicious or spiteful? What actions can cause such hate in us that we desire to hurt rather than walk away from another person? 

Some say malice is an act in response to anger or an act of defense against perceived hostility or anticipated injury. There’s also evidence suggesting people act maliciously to punish, feel powerful, take advantage, for the thrill of it, or because they lack a conscience which would otherwise prevent the behavior (Simon, 2014). Sometimes, people act this way for the very reasons you left them behind.

Despite someone else’s desire to harm us or resuscitate our buried demons, we still have the power to keep those demons from rising up. We are still responsible for our actions. We still own our pasts, but we don’t have to be defined by them regardless of other people’s efforts to paint us as terrible people. 

Continue to separate yourself from people who seek or act to harm you. Continue to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Continue to grow. Continue to create yourself as the person you want to be. Keep your head up, despite the rain.

Works Cited

Simon, G. (2014, April 18). Character Disorders and Malice. Dr. George Simon. https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/character-disorders-and-malice/

Self Reform: Possible?

I was recently thinking about the concept of reform. We often think and talk about introspection, self-reflection, and growth, but I haven’t heard many people refer to the concept of self-reform.

When considering the mistakes we make in life, the pain we cause others intentionally or unintentionally, and even crimes people commit I can’t help but wonder if egregious insults on our fellow man are ever absolved without the forced reform of justice. As a society, we impose punishments on people who commit crimes either through fines or imprisonment. We impose a cost we feel adequately recompenses victims of crimes or wrong-doings.

I wonder about the purpose of fines and imprisonment. I’m curious if we impose justice as a way to punish or to reform. We want to believe reformation is the goal of justice. We want people to be able to rejoin society as productive members after “learning their lesson.” 

I find the justice system very impersonal however. I believe we do our best. I believe there must be a system. I believe victims deserve justice. However, I also believe we don’t have a way of knowing what is actually sufficient to reform a person. I believe reform can only be the result of introspection and self-reflection.

It is feasible that offenders of heinous crimes can immediately be overwhelmed with a sense of guilt. I suggest the evidence supporting this idea is presented by criminals who later commit suicide after their crime. A sense of guilt can be incredibly strong and potentially impact someone enough they completely change their behavior and thought processes. I want to believe this is true.

I’m curious however, if most people would ever actually accept the idea of self-reformation.

If a neighbor we’ve had a good relationship with for 20 years is suddenly arrested for a crime they commited 30 years prior, can we continue to view them as we always have or will our opinion be shaped by their now known past? If we believe this person to have felt remorse and guilt for their crimes, if we believe they are now leading a “good life,” is it still necessary that our neighbor be imprisoned? Can we accept that our neighbor has been self-reformed? Is self-reform even possible?

These are some profound questions we would need to answer on a case-by-case basis, but I don’t believe our justice system accounts for such things. Is a minimum sentence in a penitentiary a true measure of reform? Are we punishing in an effort to reform or punish? Are reform and punishment exclusive or related? 

I definitely find myself asking more questions than offering answers as I think through this. I can’t answer any of them, nor have I done the research to try. Most of what I know about society’s justice system is through hearsay as I have no personal experience. I want to believe man is capable of reforming himself. I want to believe a previous crime would not alter my opinion of someone. I want to know we can all forgive people and move forward.

Failure to Apply

I've met and worked with thousands of people throughout my career. I've had many conversations about goals and future plans within the organization as well as life after. 

I've found many people have big plans for the future, but often settle for less than what they really want. Goals tend to be one step below achieving greatness. While I agree not everyone can be great, few reach the top 5% of society, many people underestimate their own abilities. 

I’ve learned people are their own biggest reason for not achieving their goals. As we look at the world around us, we tend to compare ourselves to all the greats. The people who have achieved the loftiest of goals and successfully pursued their dreams. We read about and see countless examples of people living lives we aspire to. The problem with this comparison, is we aren’t those people.

We don’t often see the hard work it takes to get to the highest places. We underestimate the amount of luck and undervalue the risks taken by people we think have it all. The truth is, we aren’t likely to achieve all the same things others have. Those people we watch from a distance aren’t the rule, they’re the exception. The biggest difference between most of us and them however, is they took risks. They put themselves out there while we sit safely behind our walls.

Many people will not graduate from college for one reason only; they won’t submit an application. I believe most people tend to take themselves out of the competition before they even enter it. We have a tendency to self-disqualification, a defeatist attitude that holds us back. We didn’t apply to Yale, Princeton, MIT, because we “knew we wouldn’t get in.” We remove the possibility of reward to spare ourselves the risk of failure.

While there are certainly things we don’t qualify for, the reality is only the bravest (or most narccississtic) among us will find out the truth. We will never get accepted if we don't put in the work and apply. Sometimes, applying is all it takes because everyone else is thinking the same way and didn't. Simply putting in the application, asking for that job, stepping into the ring is the most important step. The first step starts us down the path to accomplishing our goals.