You Have the Capacity to Love

This week’s writing really stems from listening to and thinking about some of the people I’ve known throughout the years. I have met a few people in life that choose to avoid committed, monogamous relationships as well as people who choose never to have children. I’ve also met people that run from relationships that could lead to either monogamy, marriage, and especially children. Some say these people lack the capacity to love. I say all these people have the capacity; they just don’t see what’s holding them back. If this is you, you too have the capacity to love.

Understanding your aversion to anything that looks or sounds like love, is about understanding yourself. Its probable you grew up in a challenging home when you were young. You likely didn’t create strong attachments with your parents or siblings. You may have been abused, but more likely, you were neglected. You think this is your fault. You believe there is something wrong with you, that you are unlikable, unlovable. You don’t believe you were the victim because you actually believe it was your fault.

It isn’t your fault. You weren’t neglected because you were born unlovable or unlikeable. You were born just as cute and loveable as everyone else. Everyone adored your cute smallness and your toothless smile. Unfortunately, you were born into circumstance that prevented your parents from giving you the attention you needed. Likely, they know this, and wanted to do better, but couldn’t due to whatever life stressors they were dealing with. It isn’t your fault at all that you were raised the way you were. It is just what happened.

You are right about one thing. You aren’t capable of love. Not right now, anyway.

In order to love another, the way they need to be loved, the way you weren’t when you were young, you need to first learn to love yourself. You need to be comfortable with who you are. You need to realize that you are, in fact, likeable and even loveable. You must not blame yourself for the way you were raised. You have to stop believing the way you were treated in the past will always be the way you are treated. You must not believe the “truths” you know until you have completely dissected them.

I’m not suggesting you cast blame. I’m not suggesting you get angry with your parents, although that may be the correct emotion for some of you. I am suggesting you seek to understand your circumstances as you were brought into the world. Understand the environment in which you were raised. Believe those circumstances, that environment, had nothing to do with decisions you made. You were a child. You were not in control of the situation. There was little or nothing you likely could have done differently to be treated better or been given the attention you needed in your development of emotional and social intelligence.

Blame remains useless, even after you understand everything. You are only responsible for your actions, not the actions of others. Be accountable for your own actions, and understand that nothing anyone else does is your fault. You may influence someone’s decisions, but the actions they make are their own. You are not responsible for their actions or their emotions. You are accountable for your own.

This realization is powerful. When you start to realize you are the product of the circumstances within which you were brought forth, you can begin to understand that you are likeable and loveable. Understanding then allows you to become a better person, undefined by your past. You will then seek the power to define yourself. You will begin to change the decisions you make when it comes to your health, your relationships, your hobbies. You will start to treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.

This is when you will gain the capacity to love. Once you understand you are in control of your own decisions and you are more than the by-product of the past, you will be able to shape your future. You will begin to believe you can be liked, and even loved. You will not fear being loved, because you will not expect the rejection and pain that you are used to experiencing. You will not be afraid to love a tiny human, because you will believe you are capable of giving that child the attention it deserves, the attention you didn’t get.

You have to do the work first that leads to loving yourself and caring for yourself, but once that work is done, you will have the capacity to love.

Your Ghosts Will Destroy You Unless You Are Ready for Them

You cannot hide from your ghosts. You cannot escape your demons. They are a part of you. They are connected to you the same way your shadow is.

I met with a veteran this week. Someone who served in the same unit I did years ago. We didn’t know each other at the time, but we still shared some of the same experiences simply because of what we went through. We know many of the same people and have similar stories.

During our discussion over a beer, we talked a lot about life in general. We exchanged old stories, laughed about old times, shared what has been going on with us the last few years, and uncovered some of the life stressors we are dealing with. Talking and connecting with veterans is always a valuable experience for me. I really enjoy the comradery that comes with shared experiences and hardships. There is a lot of value in talking with someone whom you don’t feel the need to hold back from.

One thing that I always look for when I’m talking with other veterans, is an understanding of whether they have uncovered and dealt with all their demons yet. In this case, I don’t believe this man has. He knows they are there, present, and he has learned to deal with them, but I couldn’t help but feel as though there is more he still needs to deal with. He hasn’t completely prepared himself for when his demons may attack again.

I find most people don’t effectively deal with their ghosts. Most people hide from them and do what they can to avoid situations that give their ghosts strength, but they don’t really deal with them. You can’t assume that you can hide from your ghosts. You can’t. They are a part of you, like your shadow. Building walls around yourself, your mind, your heart, won’t keep the ghosts away. Walls only keep out the people and things that may actually be able to help you defeat your demons. You need friends and loved ones to help you, if you are lucky enough to have real friends and loved ones. They can protect you while you go through the hardship of dealing with the scariest, most painful thoughts you can ever have; memories.

To defeat your demons, you have to understand them. You have to need to recall those memories. You need to relive those situations. You need to study the moment your ghost was created. I suggest, if you know your ghosts are powerful, you do this in the company of other people. People that have your back. People you can cry with, people that will hold you down, people that will protect you from yourself.

Think through everything you can about the moment your ghost was created. Picture in your mind every decision you or others made that led to that moment. What sounds did you hear? What smells were present? What faces were there? What, exactly, were other people doing? What did you miss that allowed the terrible thing to happen? What could you have done differently? Then, relive the terror that created the ghost. Understand it completely. Understand the moments before, after, and during that horrible experience. Once you’ve done that, you can begin to label and understand every emotion associated with that time. The guilt, fear, terror, hate, pain, loss, love.

Defining the emotions lets you know what power your demons have over you. Reliving the experience, understanding it, lets you prepare for the future. Understanding means you will recognize the events that led to the terror and you will be able to avoid it. You can avoid the horrible situations that create such pain inside yourself. You can start to see that situations are not your fault. You can stop blaming, and start growing. More importantly, you will be stronger than your ghosts.

You cannot avoid your demons. They will always come for you when you least expect them. You can however, be prepared for when.