You Have the Capacity to Love

This week’s writing really stems from listening to and thinking about some of the people I’ve known throughout the years. I have met a few people in life that choose to avoid committed, monogamous relationships as well as people who choose never to have children. I’ve also met people that run from relationships that could lead to either monogamy, marriage, and especially children. Some say these people lack the capacity to love. I say all these people have the capacity; they just don’t see what’s holding them back. If this is you, you too have the capacity to love.

Understanding your aversion to anything that looks or sounds like love, is about understanding yourself. Its probable you grew up in a challenging home when you were young. You likely didn’t create strong attachments with your parents or siblings. You may have been abused, but more likely, you were neglected. You think this is your fault. You believe there is something wrong with you, that you are unlikable, unlovable. You don’t believe you were the victim because you actually believe it was your fault.

It isn’t your fault. You weren’t neglected because you were born unlovable or unlikeable. You were born just as cute and loveable as everyone else. Everyone adored your cute smallness and your toothless smile. Unfortunately, you were born into circumstance that prevented your parents from giving you the attention you needed. Likely, they know this, and wanted to do better, but couldn’t due to whatever life stressors they were dealing with. It isn’t your fault at all that you were raised the way you were. It is just what happened.

You are right about one thing. You aren’t capable of love. Not right now, anyway.

In order to love another, the way they need to be loved, the way you weren’t when you were young, you need to first learn to love yourself. You need to be comfortable with who you are. You need to realize that you are, in fact, likeable and even loveable. You must not blame yourself for the way you were raised. You have to stop believing the way you were treated in the past will always be the way you are treated. You must not believe the “truths” you know until you have completely dissected them.

I’m not suggesting you cast blame. I’m not suggesting you get angry with your parents, although that may be the correct emotion for some of you. I am suggesting you seek to understand your circumstances as you were brought into the world. Understand the environment in which you were raised. Believe those circumstances, that environment, had nothing to do with decisions you made. You were a child. You were not in control of the situation. There was little or nothing you likely could have done differently to be treated better or been given the attention you needed in your development of emotional and social intelligence.

Blame remains useless, even after you understand everything. You are only responsible for your actions, not the actions of others. Be accountable for your own actions, and understand that nothing anyone else does is your fault. You may influence someone’s decisions, but the actions they make are their own. You are not responsible for their actions or their emotions. You are accountable for your own.

This realization is powerful. When you start to realize you are the product of the circumstances within which you were brought forth, you can begin to understand that you are likeable and loveable. Understanding then allows you to become a better person, undefined by your past. You will then seek the power to define yourself. You will begin to change the decisions you make when it comes to your health, your relationships, your hobbies. You will start to treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.

This is when you will gain the capacity to love. Once you understand you are in control of your own decisions and you are more than the by-product of the past, you will be able to shape your future. You will begin to believe you can be liked, and even loved. You will not fear being loved, because you will not expect the rejection and pain that you are used to experiencing. You will not be afraid to love a tiny human, because you will believe you are capable of giving that child the attention it deserves, the attention you didn’t get.

You have to do the work first that leads to loving yourself and caring for yourself, but once that work is done, you will have the capacity to love.