Showing Up Shows the World What is Important to You

You just have to love a good, deep conversation on a Thursday afternoon like the one I had today. Today we talked about the importance of showing up. When is the last time you showed up for someone that is important to you?

There are plenty of ways people can show up for us. They can be physically present at special events or times of great distress. They can be emotionally available when we need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. Or it could just be a stranger that helps us change a tire or chases us down after we leave our phone in some random location. 

Showing up isn't something easy to define, but in a lot of ways, we all understand what the term means. It means you are on board. When you are a part of someone else's journey, you show up for them. When you are in charge of your own journey, you show up for yourself. Both are positive attributes as it shows the world you are someone to be counted.

Throughout your life, there have been events that were important to you. Whether those events were T-Ball or football games, a school play, graduation, a wedding, a birth, a promotion, you looked to the stands to see who showed up. 

As a kid, you wanted your parents or grand parents to show up. It was important to you; so important, you can remember, years later, the list of those that did or didn't show. As an adult, who you look for changes. You look for a spouse or significant other and your best friend. If it's important to you, you invited very specific people and they are the ones you wanted to be there. They are the only ones that mattered. And you took a mental and emotional note every time.

If someone is important to you, you need to be there at those events. You need to show up. If you don't, If you can't be there at the truly important moments, it won't matter how much you care, you run the risk of it not being enough. People are social. Your kids are looking in the stands at every game. Your spouse wants you there even if they tell you it isn't a big deal. They may not even think it is a big deal at the moment, but years later, they will look back and know if you showed up more or less. They'll know if you showed up more or less than someone else.

Showing up isn't even about the event itself. It's about supporting someone else in their accomplishments and their endeavors. You don't have to like football to show up. You don't need to have graduated and you certainly don't need to agree with the path of study they chose to show up. You don't need to know how to help someone in distress to show up for them. The circumstances pale in comparison of importance to being physically present.

There will be times when you can't be there. There will times when distance or events are obstacles that can't be overcome. But the big events have to take priority over much of anything else. You don't need to prioritize the event, it's irrelevant, you should however, prioritize the person at the event. 

Take the time to show up for the people that matter to you. Show them they are important and that they matter.

Stand Up for Yourself or Sit Down

There are a lot of weak people in the world. The truth is, as humans, we are probably getting weaker physically and emotionally at a similar rate to the post-COVID inflationary period. I would just like to tell you, stand up for yourself, or for others, or shut up and sit down.

I bring this up because my daughter recently stood up for herself while being bullied by another student after school. Because she stood up for herself, society punished her. How? Assault charges. 

My daughter allegedly defended her and her sister’s honor by physically repelling their assaulting bully. Society has no place for this however, in the state of California anyway, which is sad. Because she stood up for herself with more than words, she allegedly committed a crime. I talked to my daughter about what she has been accused of. Whether or not she did defend herself using physical means, I’m proud of her for taking a stand against someone bullying her and verbally attacking her. She should NOT have to stand for that behavior, ever.

Following the alleged incident, the parents of the bully “victim” went to the police to file assault charges against my daughter. Legally, they have every right to do so. Legally they are in their right to go to the police for assistance. Technically, what my daughter is accused of, is illegal.

In societal reality, the people who went to the police because their son allegedly got his ass beat by my daughter need to relook how they are raising their son. They should have come to me or my kids’ mother to discuss the issue. They should also talk to their son about not running his mouth if he isn’t able to back his words up. 

Society is headed, in my opinion, in a downward spiral where talking to each other from behind keyboards is building a false sense of security in us. We can easily shoot angry, hurtful words at people from a distance and know, with most certainty, we are safe from any form of retribution. This sense of security does not transfer to the streets or real life however. In the real world, words start wars. 

I’m not an advocate for violence, but I am an advocate for keeping your mouth shut unless you are willing to fight for the words escaping your lips. If you think you can say anything you want and everyone is just going to take it, you’re wrong. I’m also not advocating for tough guys to spew garbage from their mouths simply because most people are incapable of doing anything to shut you up. 

I think if you run your mouth, you need to be prepared to get slapped. More people in this world NEED to get slapped. People need to wake up and realize there are consequences for the things they say and do. 

If you can’t back up your words with actions, sit down and shut up. If you get called on your bullshit by someone physically, emotionally, or mentally stronger than you, too bad. You lost. That doesn’t give you the right to go get help. There is nothing “right” about getting others to fight your battles for you. 

Stand up for yourself or sit down and shut up!

You Have the Capacity to Love

This week’s writing really stems from listening to and thinking about some of the people I’ve known throughout the years. I have met a few people in life that choose to avoid committed, monogamous relationships as well as people who choose never to have children. I’ve also met people that run from relationships that could lead to either monogamy, marriage, and especially children. Some say these people lack the capacity to love. I say all these people have the capacity; they just don’t see what’s holding them back. If this is you, you too have the capacity to love.

Understanding your aversion to anything that looks or sounds like love, is about understanding yourself. Its probable you grew up in a challenging home when you were young. You likely didn’t create strong attachments with your parents or siblings. You may have been abused, but more likely, you were neglected. You think this is your fault. You believe there is something wrong with you, that you are unlikable, unlovable. You don’t believe you were the victim because you actually believe it was your fault.

It isn’t your fault. You weren’t neglected because you were born unlovable or unlikeable. You were born just as cute and loveable as everyone else. Everyone adored your cute smallness and your toothless smile. Unfortunately, you were born into circumstance that prevented your parents from giving you the attention you needed. Likely, they know this, and wanted to do better, but couldn’t due to whatever life stressors they were dealing with. It isn’t your fault at all that you were raised the way you were. It is just what happened.

You are right about one thing. You aren’t capable of love. Not right now, anyway.

In order to love another, the way they need to be loved, the way you weren’t when you were young, you need to first learn to love yourself. You need to be comfortable with who you are. You need to realize that you are, in fact, likeable and even loveable. You must not blame yourself for the way you were raised. You have to stop believing the way you were treated in the past will always be the way you are treated. You must not believe the “truths” you know until you have completely dissected them.

I’m not suggesting you cast blame. I’m not suggesting you get angry with your parents, although that may be the correct emotion for some of you. I am suggesting you seek to understand your circumstances as you were brought into the world. Understand the environment in which you were raised. Believe those circumstances, that environment, had nothing to do with decisions you made. You were a child. You were not in control of the situation. There was little or nothing you likely could have done differently to be treated better or been given the attention you needed in your development of emotional and social intelligence.

Blame remains useless, even after you understand everything. You are only responsible for your actions, not the actions of others. Be accountable for your own actions, and understand that nothing anyone else does is your fault. You may influence someone’s decisions, but the actions they make are their own. You are not responsible for their actions or their emotions. You are accountable for your own.

This realization is powerful. When you start to realize you are the product of the circumstances within which you were brought forth, you can begin to understand that you are likeable and loveable. Understanding then allows you to become a better person, undefined by your past. You will then seek the power to define yourself. You will begin to change the decisions you make when it comes to your health, your relationships, your hobbies. You will start to treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.

This is when you will gain the capacity to love. Once you understand you are in control of your own decisions and you are more than the by-product of the past, you will be able to shape your future. You will begin to believe you can be liked, and even loved. You will not fear being loved, because you will not expect the rejection and pain that you are used to experiencing. You will not be afraid to love a tiny human, because you will believe you are capable of giving that child the attention it deserves, the attention you didn’t get.

You have to do the work first that leads to loving yourself and caring for yourself, but once that work is done, you will have the capacity to love.

Are we failing our children?

This article actually does a pretty decent job, I think, of starting to point out the serious issues we are creating as we raise our children with zero accountability or realistic expectations.

If we continue to fail our children in these ways, will they be able to care for the world they inherit? Will they actually be able to stand for what they believe in? Or are we accidentally teaching them to back down so they don't hurt anyone else's feelings?

Personally, i think we may need to reconsider the way society is raising our children today. Even children have to learn to take risks and fail.

'Adulting' Program Teaches College Students Coping Skills http://a.msn.com/r/2/AAitFJo?m=en-us&a=1