The Value of Friendship

Defining the Problem

We men, in general, are not the best at building and maintaining deep, valuable friendships outside our immediate family. We are overwhelmingly reliant on our spouses or significant others for emotional support (Akst, 2010). Sadly, we tend to be fine with this lack of strong relationships until the need arises through circumstance.

Divorce or other forms of isolation (working remotely, COVID, etc…) bring loneliness to the forefront of reality and force us to reevaluate our relationships. We find ourselves without someone we can talk to about what is going on in our lives. We lack a sounding board, someone to whom we can vent, people to give us advice or slap us around if needed. In today’s COVID environment young white, educated men have lost more friends than any other group (Schmidt, 2020) because our friendships tend to be built through shoulder-to-shoulder interactions. We like to play or watch sports, go fishing, fix things; activities that become more difficult when we can’t gather.

Social distancing exasperates the problems. Even the most introverted people in America today are craving social interaction (Latson, 2021). We miss the quick conversations at the gym. We miss giving Bob shit at the office about his stupid tie and talking shit about the boss. Those small, casual interactions promote long life and good health. The problem is we never got that dude at the gym’s number and even if we did, we aren’t going to reach out anyway because that would just be weird. 

Divorce and break-ups have their own compounding problems. Relationships with mutual friends are taxed as people side with one person or another or create distance so they aren’t forced to choose. Game nights and double-dates become a thing of the past. In-laws, who we may have considered important to us, are no longer reachable and aren’t a part of our lives.

What is Friendship?

Friendship is the relationship between friends (Oxford, 2021). Aristotle saw three forms of friendship: Useful (our contacts and acquaintances), Pleasure (our drinking buddies), and Pursuit of Virtue (the highest form of friends drawn together by the “goodness” seen through common passions). Honestly, most of our friends reside in the lower two forms. The inner circle is reserved only for our very closest friends. The issue we have is friendships in the first two forms dissolve and disappear when they are not sustained through mutual gains. For many in a COVID environment the first two forms have been completely eliminated leaving us only our closest friends. If we don’t have any of these, we are probably feeling a lot of loneliness.

What is the Value of Friendship?

There are many advantages to strong friendships. 

Friendship is suited to fill the void we sometimes feel when our lives are in turmoil and does so without the all-consuming commitment of matrimony or parenthood. Historically, friendships help us build alliances and knit society together in a web of trust and reciprocation. It moderates our behavior as we challenge each other to act within social norms and hold each other accountable to our goals. Friendship held an evolutionary advantage by providing men with others to help protect their families, crops, and livestock or to vanquish their enemies (Akst, 2010).

Today’s man needs strong friendships. Life can change quickly in unexpected ways. Men having a suicide rate 3.7 times higher than women (Schmidt, 2020) suggests we need to relook and revalue our friendships. It’s important to have someone we can call, text, or talk to. It is comforting and strengthening to get advice or validation. Men can do better.

Works Cited

Akst, D. (2010, Summer). America: Land of Loners?: Americans, plugged in and on the move, are confiding in their pets, their computers, and their spouses. What they need is to rediscover the value of friendship. The Wilson Quarterly, 34(3), 23-27. Gale. A232394739

Latson, J. (2021). The New Social Orbits. Psychology Today, 53(1), 53-60. Gale. A648163191

Oxford. (2021, January 18). Oxford Learner's Dictionaries. Oxford Learner's Dictionaries. https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/us/definition/english/friendship?q=friendship

Schmidt, S. (2020, November 30). No game days. No bars. The pandemic is forcing some men to realize they need deeper friendships. The Washington Post.

The Value of Brotherhood

For my adult life, I have moved around every couple of years, starting over in each place. With new environments, came a new job, new colleagues, new friends, and new routines. I have enjoyed and welcomed the challenges associated starting over every couple of years. Constantly moving has consequences however, I didn’t realize until more recently.

For me, the greatest consequence of this life style is a weak sense of belonging and a lack of strong relationships. While I work every day with some of the greatest people in the country, my relationships have been mostly superficial and had an end-date marked by another move. As my life has been upended lately, overturned even, I’ve felt limited on the number of people I can talk to about what is going on in my life. I haven’t had good sounding boards for my frustrations in life with work or family. I have found myself largely trying to “figure it out” on my own.

The more I’ve become involved in a particular Veterans’ Group, the more I’ve seen and felt the value in brotherhood and deep relationships outside my immediate family. In this group, we call each other “brother,” and we say “I love you,” a lot. This a group of grown men, not unlike any other group of men, but focused on each other. We are focused on the brotherhood and on other veterans that may need help. Below I discuss the three biggest parts of that brotherhood and how it adds value to my life.

Brotherhood gives a sense of Family. We call each other “brother,” and that word has meaning. We aren’t friends, we aren’t buddies, we are brothers. We look out for each other as though we are related. We may never have met if not for the club, but we are now family. We do things for each other we wouldn’t do for anyone else. We are willing, God forbid the necessity, to take up arms for each other if the call comes and fight whatever enemies the world throws our way. Many of those enemies aren’t physical, but demons deep in our psyche. We fight the demons together. We are a tribe, a brotherhood, brothers.

Brotherhood provides release; an outlet for life’s problems. It is a safe place where I can vent my frustrations, do some shit-talking, and unwind with a drink (or two) in a safe place with good company. My brothers are there for me regardless. If I call, anytime of day, they will answer the phone and listen to me. I give them the same respect and dedication. Often times when we get together, we just do “manly-stuff.” We start bonfires, drink plenty of beer, talk shit, wrestle, throw knives or hatchets at trees, all the stuff we used to want to do when we were boys growing up. We do these things without judgement and without care because we aren’t going to let anyone do anything stupid and there isn’t anyone else around to cause problems. It is a controlled environment, a group of men that others won’t approach without caution, and it gives us a safe place to be ourselves.

Brotherhood is about growth. My brothers give me honest feedback on my thoughts and ideas and where I’m taking my life. They give me tough love without expectation except to get my shit straight and not do wrong by the group. I’ve found honest feedback from people that care about me is one of the most important things I can have in life. Often times, the people we call friends will tell us what we want to hear or are so empathetic to our cause they miss the obvious holes in our plans or won’t bring them up because they want to “be supportive.” Being a part of a brotherhood is different however. We look for the holes in each other's plans and offer constructive criticisms. We bluntly tell each other when we think we are making mistakes or heading down a path that will lead to issues. We support each other, but we challenge each brother to make better decisions and strive for things that matter, not things that are expedient or pleasurable.

This tribe, this brotherhood is probably rare among most men. I think brotherhood is something many men are missing in their lives. It could be the difference between a downward spiral in life and productivity, the difference between life and death.

Random Thoughts - Divorce

People that know me well know I am currently going through a divorce. My family knows, my new roommate knows, and a few close friends know. Now, if I post this, the world knows.

A note of distinction. I am the petitioning party.

There are a lot of emotions that I've felt as I go through this process. All which are only shared with certain people and almost none of them are shared with my wife (yes, I have reasons for that). I will say, in my experience thus far, divorce is an ugly thing.

I've felt a lot of pain. From the sense of loss to the pain I'm causing. I honestly hate seeing my wife cry. Seeing her depressed. And seeing her in states of fury. These are very uncomfortable things to observe. A big part of me even wants to try to comfort her, but I know that I absolutely must not do that in any way that would show more than a friendly "care."

The kids are the hardest part for me. I do believe this is better for them. Better than seeing their mother and father unhappy all the time. Better than seeing us fight. But it still tears me up inside to know they won't have the kind of family they have been used to having. Yes, there is pain there too.

Just a quick note.

Reaching Into the Darkness

Short rant about #outreach, #22aday and the bullshit $20 #awareness t-shirts people confuse for real #action.

I was talking to a buddy of mine (I use that word on purpose because it has a meaning) who recently went through some shit in his life. I don't know know exactly what triggered it, but I know he needed to take a knee for a while and get some help.

First, I just want to say, good on him for having the strength and self-awareness to recognize he wasn't well and then reaching out to people that could help. 

A little about him. He was in a sister unit. I didn't see him everyday or even talk to him everyday, but we had worked together on previous things and he was in the job I was waiting for. He was living the busy, unforgiving dream we are all aspiring to live. From the outside, it looked like he had everything going for him. Talking to him in passing or at meetings, you could tell he was tired and working his ass off, but he was doing "fine." 

One Sunday, I get a phone call about something completely different from a colleague in the same unit and after discussing what we needed to discuss he asks me, "so are you coming over tomorrow?" I had no idea what he was talking about, and he filled me in that there was now a "hole" in the staff. Monday comes around, and rumors are all anyone can give me for information, but from that I was able to deduce there was a Behavioral Health issue.

I reached out. I sent some texts. Tried calling. But there wasn't an answer. A few days later, I sent some more texts. A couple days after that, I get a reply. He fills me in that he's working through it and only has his phone twice a week for a limited amount of time. Totally cool. I send him texts a couple times a week to see how he's doing, and within a couple days, I get a response. Everytime.

Months after my buddy returned from his in-patient visit, we have a conversation and he reveals something to me. While he was in the hospital I was the only person that reached out to him that wasn't a parent or the Chain of Command. REALLY?! Nobody else reached out?

As I've thought about this more over the last few days, it pisses me off. SO MANY people that worked with him every fucking day, and they couldn't reach out to see how he was doing? Didn't check on him? I wonder how many people are checking on him now that he's home? Are we so busy that we forgot? Where is the "give-a-fuck" we preach all the time? 

Then I started thinking about all the bullshit I see on Social Media. All the #22aday bullshit I see. The stupid t-shirts people buy. The posts about "reach out if you need help," or "I'd rather hear your story than go to your funeral." It's all talk! It's all bullshit! And you know what, I'm guilty of it too!

Looking at it now, I see it as a passive, half-ass attempt. Really, some of it is genuine and people want you to know they're available. Also, some people post that shit because it makes them feel good about themselves (douchebags), not because they actually want to hear anyone's fucking story or actually help a "buddy." Most of us, I hope, will always be there for a real friend, but we tend to draw the line there because it's inconvenient and it makes us feel uncomfortable. 

Talk. Its all talk with no action. Honestly, it's selfish AF. You are putting it all on them! They're already overwhelmed, and now you're saying, "do more (call me)." You're making somebody that needs help responsible for doing more. I'm not saying you're responsible for their actions or what's going on in their life, but you are giving them MORE responsibility.

Challenge! Instead of posting bullshit to your fucking FB, IG, Twitter, Snap, or WTF ever, pick up your phone and make a call! I'd bet, right now, you know somebody that is going through something in their life. Go through your contacts, find that one dude you knew from your last duty station that you haven't talked to since you left (they're still saved in your phone) and fucking call them. Ask them how they're doing. Spend five minutes reaching out. Take ACTION! And next week, call somebody else. 

Stop wasting money on t-shirts. Stop making somebody else own it. Stop #talking! #Act #DoSomething

*edit

After sharing this with a friend, I realized I was on an angry rant and pointing fingers a lot. The above, in many ways, sounds like I'm saying "hey, look at me, I'm better than you. This is what I did." 

While I did intend to stir some emotion in this, I wasnt intending to tewt my own horn and be a douchecanoe. Actually, my friend asked me a good, "look in the mirror" question (they like to challenge me that way and I appreciate getting called on my bullshit). They asked, "why did YOU reach out?"

That question made me realize I wouldn't have except for one thing. I'd been there. I've been in those dark places. It's not a good place to be. I HID that from the world and kept up the day-to-day like there was nothing bothering me and I was fine. Actually, I did a REALLY good job of hiding it and nobody, not once, really asked if I was ok... so, after some self-reflection and getting my thinking challenged by a good person I realized that more often than not, people keep the darkness inside and nobody will ever know until it's too late.

PLEASE! Reach out to people. Let people know you care. Make it personal. Call them.  Send the random text. We all know how good those things feel, so include somebody new this week, or rather, somebody old.

If you're in a dark place right now, keep fighting. Stay strong. Keep holding up that crushing weight. It's hard, but you've made it this far.  You may feel lost. You may feel weak. But the light is coming, and it will stomp away the darkness.