The Value of Friendship

Defining the Problem

We men, in general, are not the best at building and maintaining deep, valuable friendships outside our immediate family. We are overwhelmingly reliant on our spouses or significant others for emotional support (Akst, 2010). Sadly, we tend to be fine with this lack of strong relationships until the need arises through circumstance.

Divorce or other forms of isolation (working remotely, COVID, etc…) bring loneliness to the forefront of reality and force us to reevaluate our relationships. We find ourselves without someone we can talk to about what is going on in our lives. We lack a sounding board, someone to whom we can vent, people to give us advice or slap us around if needed. In today’s COVID environment young white, educated men have lost more friends than any other group (Schmidt, 2020) because our friendships tend to be built through shoulder-to-shoulder interactions. We like to play or watch sports, go fishing, fix things; activities that become more difficult when we can’t gather.

Social distancing exasperates the problems. Even the most introverted people in America today are craving social interaction (Latson, 2021). We miss the quick conversations at the gym. We miss giving Bob shit at the office about his stupid tie and talking shit about the boss. Those small, casual interactions promote long life and good health. The problem is we never got that dude at the gym’s number and even if we did, we aren’t going to reach out anyway because that would just be weird. 

Divorce and break-ups have their own compounding problems. Relationships with mutual friends are taxed as people side with one person or another or create distance so they aren’t forced to choose. Game nights and double-dates become a thing of the past. In-laws, who we may have considered important to us, are no longer reachable and aren’t a part of our lives.

What is Friendship?

Friendship is the relationship between friends (Oxford, 2021). Aristotle saw three forms of friendship: Useful (our contacts and acquaintances), Pleasure (our drinking buddies), and Pursuit of Virtue (the highest form of friends drawn together by the “goodness” seen through common passions). Honestly, most of our friends reside in the lower two forms. The inner circle is reserved only for our very closest friends. The issue we have is friendships in the first two forms dissolve and disappear when they are not sustained through mutual gains. For many in a COVID environment the first two forms have been completely eliminated leaving us only our closest friends. If we don’t have any of these, we are probably feeling a lot of loneliness.

What is the Value of Friendship?

There are many advantages to strong friendships. 

Friendship is suited to fill the void we sometimes feel when our lives are in turmoil and does so without the all-consuming commitment of matrimony or parenthood. Historically, friendships help us build alliances and knit society together in a web of trust and reciprocation. It moderates our behavior as we challenge each other to act within social norms and hold each other accountable to our goals. Friendship held an evolutionary advantage by providing men with others to help protect their families, crops, and livestock or to vanquish their enemies (Akst, 2010).

Today’s man needs strong friendships. Life can change quickly in unexpected ways. Men having a suicide rate 3.7 times higher than women (Schmidt, 2020) suggests we need to relook and revalue our friendships. It’s important to have someone we can call, text, or talk to. It is comforting and strengthening to get advice or validation. Men can do better.

Works Cited

Akst, D. (2010, Summer). America: Land of Loners?: Americans, plugged in and on the move, are confiding in their pets, their computers, and their spouses. What they need is to rediscover the value of friendship. The Wilson Quarterly, 34(3), 23-27. Gale. A232394739

Latson, J. (2021). The New Social Orbits. Psychology Today, 53(1), 53-60. Gale. A648163191

Oxford. (2021, January 18). Oxford Learner's Dictionaries. Oxford Learner's Dictionaries. https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/us/definition/english/friendship?q=friendship

Schmidt, S. (2020, November 30). No game days. No bars. The pandemic is forcing some men to realize they need deeper friendships. The Washington Post.