Self-Talk is Bullshit - Stop Hiding, Start Acting - A Rant

I have to say it. I’m really sick of all the positive self-talk memes that constantly flood our Social Media. I’ve seen countless memes telling people how important they are, how much better they are than other people, how they are exactly who they are supposed to be. It’s bullshit, and I think it is honestly getting in the way of people’s ability to grow.

I constantly see posts about not allowing other people to be negative influences on our psyche, and I do agree with that at its core, but what if I told you feedback from anyone is still feedback. The most evil people in the world will attack your greatest vulnerabilities because that is where you are weak. Telling myself “that person is just evil and I deserve better,” doesn’t actually help me work on my weakness. 

I do believe there is power in both negative and positive self-talk. I believe good self-talk can keep us thinking in the right ways. We can remind ourselves we are strong enough to deal with the situation we’re in. We can convince ourselves to keep driving forward toward our goals. On the contrary, negative self-talk tells us we aren’t good enough, we never will be, and we should probably just quit. Clearly we need to avoid negative thoughts.

I challenge however, that positive self-talk without action isn’t as powerful as we need it to be. We can’t just tell ourselves we’re awesome like everyone wants us to believe. We aren’t special. We aren’t entitled to perfection. Being extraordinary requires disciplined self reflection, initiative, and action toward the goals we want and sometimes need to achieve.

Unpopular opinion: Sometimes you’re the one that’s wrong. Sometimes you’re the person that needs to listen to other people when they say you need to work on some things. Sometimes that feedback, those criticisms, can drive self-reflection and growth. If we allow our self-talk to get in the way of reflection, we will never grow. If we can’t look internally to see our own faults, we can’t manifest ourselves into greater beings. 

Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we need to admit that, not to others, but to ourselves. The power of self reflection is that it enables us to take feedback and criticisms, even the ones that are grotesquely harsh and mean, and learn from them.

Do not shy away from the people that attack you. Pay attention to them. They will teach you where you are weakest. They will show you the areas you most need to work on. Then, use that information for your own personal gain. After you have strengthened those areas, then you will be ready to move on. After growth, you can rise to bigger challenges. Do not turn a blind eye to vulnerabilities, embrace them and turn them into strengths.

Grind: A Strong Body Means a Strong Mind

Grind: A Strong Body Means a Strong Mind

We need to grind. Exercise is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

Many men suffer from mental illness. An estimated 26% of Americans actually suffer mental illness in some capacity. Depression attacks 9.5% of adult Americans each year and around 18% of us suffer from an anxiety disorder (John Hopkins Medicine, 2021). Men are four times more likely than women to attempt suicide, though women are more likely to attempt.

These numbers are staggering. I believe there is one thing we can all do however, to ensure we are doing what we can for our own mental health: Exercise.

We all know the obvious physical benefits of exercise. Weight management, reducing disease, strengthening bones and muscles, and improving the ability to do everyday activities are all physical benefits of exercise (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021). We all benefit from exercise regardless of our age, ability, shape, or size. What is less known, and still largely being studied, are the benefits exercise has on our mental health.

Physical exercise has some immediate benefits to our mental health however. Our brain health is positively impacted almost immediately following a moderate exercise session. Short term benefits include improved thinking and cognition as well as reduced short-term feelings of anxiety. Regular physical activity has long term impacts on our mental well being and can help us keep our thinking, learning, and judgment skills sharp as weage. It can also reduce our risk of depression and anxiety and help us sleep better (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021).

I found in several articles the benefits of exercise on brain health. Though many of these findings are still being studied, the research supporting that exercise benefits brain and mental health is robust. Research suggests that exercise even reduces cognitive issues in schizophrenia (Gingell, 2018). We can also reduce the effects of ADHD and PTSD through exercise (Robinson et al., 2020).

I think men, in an effort to maintain their own masculine energy can especially reap the benefits from exercise. I work with men regularly who are going through difficult times in their lives. Many of the veterans I talk to are feeling stress from day-to-day life and are slowly losing confidence in themselves. The best advice I can give any man, veteran or not, who is feeling the impacts of aging, a slowing metabolism, the stress of work and family life, is to exercise. 

Exercise will decrease your stress and build a buffer against it, distract you from negative thoughts and emotions, help you find your confidence, and rebuild your social network with other supportive men (Star, 2019). Exercise can also give us a boost in testosterone levels which every man needs as we continue to age (Metcalf, 2015). Your lady may also benefit from you benefitting here. 

I can go on and on about the benefits of exercise. As men, bottom line, I believe we need exercise. We crave the outdoors, the hunt, the road. We exist to do manly things. Part of being a man is to be strong. Your lady wants you fit, you want to be fit. Mostly, your mental health requires that you train your body. Physically challenging ourselves mentally challenges us. Getting up in the morning for the single purpose of training, fighting against the snooze button, struggling to get out the door, succeeding at these things (the hardest parts of exercise) builds in us the mental toughness we need to be strong men.

Go grind!

Works Cited

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). Benefits of Physical Activity. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/basics/pa-health/index.htm

Gingell, S. (2018, March 22). How Your Mental Health Reaps the Benefits of Exercise: New research shows why physical exercise is essential to mental health. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-works-and-why/201803/how-your-mental-health-reaps-the-benefits-exercise

John Hopkins Medicine. (2021). Mental Health Disorder Statistics. John Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/mental-health-disorder-statistics

Metcalf, E. (2015, May 06). Does Working Out Affect Testosterone Levels? WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/men/features/exercise-and-testosterone#:~:text=When%20you%20exercise%3A%20Your%20testosterone%20levels%20vary%20throughout,a%20bigger%20effect%20on%20testosterone%20in%20the%20evening.

Robinson, L., Segal, J., & Smith, M. (2020, October). The Mental Health Benefits of Exercise. Help Guide. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/the-mental-health-benefits-of-exercise.htm

Star, K. (2019, August 10). How Physical Exercise Benefits Mental Health. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/physical-exercise-for-panic-disorder-and-anxiety-2584094#:~:text=There%20are%20several%20reasons%20why%20physical%20activity%20can,6%20Exercise%20provides%20a%20buffer%20against%20stress.%20

Vulnerability: Strength, Not Weakness

Vulnerability: Strength, Not Weakness

I’ve been researching Vulnerability this week. I have a lot more research I need to do on the subject, but reading just a few articles this week and discussing the concept with friends I find myself challenged. I have to admit I have a problem being vulnerable with people I want to be able to be vulnerable with me. I have a problem trusting in those I want trust from. This marks a need for further study and reflection.

We first have to understand what vulnerability is. I’ve seen many social media posts that tell us not to be vulnerable. Common posts tell us to stay silent and let people notice our success after it happens and not to speak on our goals. Ultimately, I feel the underlying message in this type of advice is to keep to ourselves and not to trust anyone. I’d like to see some feedback from experts like Brene Brown on this concept.

To be vulnerable means risking harm or damage (Halvorson, 2018). Being vulnerable is experiencing emotions and working through them. But vulnerability is also a key ingredient in healthy, fulfilling relationships. Brene Brown defines it as the “emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty” that “fuel our daily lives” (Borresen, 2019). Mark Manson says “vulnerability is consciously choosing to NOT hide your emotions or desires from others” (Manson, 2019). I would convince you that to be vulnerable is to be “real”.

It’s important to be vulnerable. We all actually prefer to surround ourselves with vulnerable people because we can see them for who they are. We all know people who are constantly on guard, saying whatever they think is “best” in particular conversation even though it isn’t what they truly believe. We have a word for people who know how to be vulnerable. We call them “real.” We also have a word for people who do not know how to be vulnerable. We call them “fake.”

We all know the difference between “real” and “fake” people. We can all think of examples of people in our lives that are “real” and those that are “fake.” 

“Real” people listen to us and share their honest opinions. They give us part of their souls as they share their true emotions and feelings. “Fake” people tell us what they think we want to hear. They tell us very little about themselves or their own emotions. We rarely trust “fake” people.

Mark Manson does an excellent job of explaining what vulnerability isn’t and gives us some techniques to help us become more vulnerable, more genuine with people (Manson, 2019). We should strive to be more vulnerable with the people around us. By doing so we are given greater opportunity to build strong friendships and romantic relationships. Being vulnerable also helps us to process and understand our own emotions.

Works Cited

Borresen, K. (2019, October 24). How To Be More Vulnerable In Your Relationship (Even If It Scares You). Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-be-more-vulnerable-relationships_l_5daf65b0e4b0f34e3a7e0abd

Halvorson, O. (2018, August 22). The Importance of Being Vulnerable. Medium.com. https://medium.com/publishous/the-importance-of-being-vulnerable-80a337a63464

Manson, M. (2019, August 19). Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships. Mark manson. https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships

Processing Emotions: Know What You Feel and Feel It

Emotions are something we don't often understand. They are triggered by events, memories, and sometimes for no reason, seemingly.

We often struggle with emotion. We bury our feelings so we can get through work, avoid a fight, survive to the next day. I think we actually get so good at avoiding our emotions that we often can't even describe them when we do admit to their existence. We, "feel some type of way," about circumstances but can't accurately describe how we feel. 

I've been this way in the past and I think that was a mistake for two reasons.

The first mistake of burying emotions, refusing to process them, is that we forget how to define the emotions we're feeling. We lose site of the subtle differences in disliking, loathing, or hating. We don't know the difference between being frustrated and being angry. We act, without understanding what we're actually reacting too.

I argue that without understanding the emotions we feel, and acting on them despite our lack of understanding, we often find ourselves reacting based on the wrong emotion.

The other potential problem with ignoring our emotions, shutting them down, is they don't go away. Refusing to understand and process emotions is like putting all our problems into a closet. Eventually, the closet gets full and our problems burst through, potentially burying us in the process.

I can't say definitively, and I may be wrong, but I think it's often men who suffer in this way. We tell each other all the time to "man up" or "drive on." We lose friends in war and go back out the next day. 

In the epic movie Top Gun, when Goose dies, the instructors keep sending Maverick up so he has something to focus on other than his emotions. Later in the movie, Maverick almost loses control and that loss of control almost cost others their lives. Maverick never processed his emotions when he lost his best friend and because of that he was unable to handle the stress when those emotions came boiling up during a stressful situation.

When you feel emotions, feel them. Define them, so you know what they are. Process them so they can't control you, so they can't bury you.